Sunday, June 14, 2009

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This book is about my own experiences with alcohol, how it affected me and my
own explanations of "why".
I say this because Im sure my "why" will only resonate with a small percentage of
those who read this book and wish to find freedom again by removing the
shackles of alcohol.
I am fortunately still a married man in mid forties with two beautiful adult


I am a regular everyday family guy with no official qualifications proving I am an
expert in Psychology, Psychiatry, or whatever name you would call yourself if you
attempt to help people break away from alcohol.
By this I do not mean helping just anyone break away from alcohol, rather those
like my former self that are in one way or another, stuck in the clutches of alcohol
and basically wishes they were'nt.
For those that can have a couple of drinks once a week or month and leave it at
that, good for you, a couple is good for you, wish that could be me but it isnt, I
also wish I had money to burn, but I dont, life's a bitch, get over it, move on,
theres so much more to life.
As I said, this book will only be of use to certain people. I never intended to write
this because I didnt think it could help anyone, well sometimes you dont have
much choice, which in my case you can learn about later in these pages.
In my case I never felt that the modern words used today to describe how I was,
actually described me.
I knew I drank too often, I knew I drank too much, I knew that I looked too much
forward to my next drink but I also knew I wasnt an "alcoholic". Or what the
experts call an alcoholic.
Im certain the experts will say that I am deluding myself because maybe thats
what alcoholics do, maybe I am a textbook case for an alcoholic, fine, its just
that I never thought I was and still never do or maybe I just dont like being
stereotyped or pigeon holed.
Again please remember that this book is not for every boozer, there are many
people who call themselves a "recovering alcoholic" and get through their lives
by living "one day at a time". Good for you and you do whatever works for you
because that is what is most important.
Another thing for me personally is that I could never agree that I had a "disease",
although coming from a family tree of drinkers I do think genes could play a part.
Again that is how I felt and still feel about it, whether or not it is in with current
I also have reservations about the term "alcohol abuse", I know its a serious term
and I dont mean to undermine it but I never abused alcohol, I actually treated it
with great respect, my big problem was letting alcohol kick the life out of me.
A Naturopath once told me there was a theory that "alcoholics" had microscopic
worms in their liver that fed off alcohol and it was these that caused the urge to
Whatever the reason, one thing for me is clear, if you cant get by with a social
drink your either in trouble or heading for trouble and I always agreed with that.


I do not intend to depress you or have you balling your eyes out because really I
have nothing to say that could be used as an excuse for my excessive drinking.
My father was a very heavy drinker who would often come home in the middle of
the night and fight with my mother (until they divorced). No it wasnt the best of
situations for a boy but neither was it an excuse for self pity and needless
If anything the experience drove me to raise my family in as much a happy
household as I could. Which in many ways gradually healed anything that may
have needed healing.
But saying that, I never felt hard done by.
My mother was always a marvellously strong person who's positive influences on
my life easily overrode any negatives.
Net result, the boozing was down to me, no excuses and never made any.
I suspect that there are countless reasons why people become shackled by
alcohol but in my case it was not used to drown any past events. Even when
everything was going great, which was usually the case, I over did it regularly.
The only thing I can do is be completely honest and describe everything the best
way I can.
I know there are thousands of drinkers worldwide who will empathize with
what I am going to say, some will never see they have a real problem, some will
be trying to overcome it and hopefully at least one will receive a helping hand as I


I am going to bypass my single days as I was’nt much different from many of my
peers that drank the same as me but never had drinking problems when they
"settled down" and had a family.
My problem really showed itself when we had a young family and my wife and I
would drink at the weekend or occasionally during the week.
While most others were drinking "normally" in other words pacing themselves for
the duration, I was throwing back drinks to get drunk or to get to a certain level
of.............thats it, I dont know what I was trying to get to because invariably I
would pass out!
My wife, God bless her who has stuck with me through all this, would say to me
"why do you keep drinking when you are already there, what are you trying to
find?" .
It was true, I would be feeling a buzz and letting my hair down having a good old
time but.....and here’s the but, here’s the difference between me and my wife, I
had to keep on drinking at the same rate!
I suppose it was something subconscious telling me that I would be losing the
buzz unless I kept pouring the stuff down my throat. Thats all I can think of.
Fortunately, and I am very lucky in this regard, I was a happy drunk, I never got
abusive or got into fights. I would tell jokes, funny stories, I just wanted everyone
to be happy.
Maybe that was the saving grace for my marriage because I dont think my wife
would have put up with any drunken abuse.
But there was still the embarrassment of facing friends or colleagues after passing
out at a party or get-together, not to mention what the kids thought if they were
there, ouch!
I cannot tell you how many times I asked myself "why" do I do this, why cant I just
have a couple of drinks or at least pace myself through the evening. What is it
inside me and not everyone else that makes me do this?
I tried, believe me I tried, to do just that. It would work for a couple of weekends in
a row then I would forget about it and slide back to "normal".
If my wife was around to see me pouring another then she would ask if I really
needed it. Something inside me resented being told what to do but as I got older I
tended to listen more and would occasionally grab a glass of water instead.
This was only a very temporary band aid solution as I could’nt expect my wife to
be watching my every move like a mother with her toddler.
Then there was the habitual drinking at home which started out being mainly just
at the weekends and would gradually roll around to monday, tuesday etc.
Again I would often drink to the point of passing out which left me many times
waking up on the sofa or in a chair.
Then something happened which changed things for the worse. Although a big
drinker, I would never drink until sometime in the afternoon, it was almost taboo
for me to drink before noon.
We were staying over at friends after a party and in the morning around 10am
someone gave me a beer.
Believe it or not I was shocked! I couldnt imagine drinking that early in the day, but
as two of the others said "why not, we dont get together that often" I joined in.
That somehow reset the bar (no pun intended) and "normalized" drinking earlier in
the day.
This was not a good thing because whatever it was that made me a drinking
"buzz" chaser, was going to take full advantage of this new dimension.


We visited some friends a couple of times and he made his own wine. My
Grandad used to make wine but he made it the good old way, from fermenting
fruit but mostly you could only take a glass or two as it wasnt exactly nectar.
Our friend made wine from 4 week kits and I marvelled at how good it was (even
though I wasnt a wine drinker).
I also marvelled at seeing a 5 gallon glass carbuoy full of the stuff and costing
peanuts compared to what you pay in the store.
I thought about how it would save money and actually thought I would drink less
because it was always there.
Well I made wine for years and drank swimming pools of red and white over time,
obviously having it available, well, made it available.
I also made cider which didnt last long either, its funny how when its home made it
doesnt seem to count as much when you figure what you drink!
Wine became a part of our dinner every day and then pre-dinner and after dinner
so that I was consuming too much booze every day.
The drinking early started rearing its ugly head when I started waking up at
weekends after another heavy drinking session and I actually had pangs! I mean
stomach pangs aching for a drink, now we are talking serious withdrawal here and
nobody I ever knew ever talked about that! So I couldnt talk to anyone about it.
My mind now knew that I would drink earlier in the day and like a smokers
addiction it would enduce a craving that was too powerful to overcome. I tried
hard sometimes, really tried but would capitulate after a couple of hours at most.
Often the first drink would result in a rapid exit to the bathroom where my stomach
re-presented it as projectile vomit.
The second would then act as an anaesthetic and the stomach cramps would
ease away.
This was only one part of the problem as my stomach refused to accept food.
I couldnt eat properly and countless times would make a bathroom excuse at the
dinner table just so I could vomit there instead of the dinner table, there was no
way of holding it back.
Red wine being acidic gave me some terrible stomach pains and I would have to
resort to other drinks to get me over my cramps.
My toilet experiences were also additional warnings that my body was in decline.
This continued for 15 years, I am amazed at how much abuse our bodies will take
but I also know that it has its limits.
My wife could obviously see this even though I thought for years that I covered it
up well enough. Many times we argued and fought over the alcohol issue but I
didn’t like being told how to live my life, even though I knew I was in the wrong
and she didnt have to put up with this.
I know how drink ruins many families but I tried to keep as cheerful a face on it all
as I could.
The aftermath of some of our rows was "the dreaded" giving up drinking. I actually
went 4 months one time and 2-3 months on 3 other occasions.
I really tried but after about 2 months the craving would return then it was hell.
Because I wasnt doing it for the right reason (I suppose), I was a total misery
around anyone that was drinking. The more I tried to put on a happy face the
worse it became.
To top it off, everyone would be saying "whats up with you tonight" because I
would usually be one of the funny guys.
I always found the stimulus of alcohol to keep me awake until the early hours but
being sober I would be bugging my wife to go home because I was nodding off.
She would be in full swing and not wanting to leave which made me more
But we would end up leaving early which made her miserable also.
When we stayed in hotels on the road for our girls sporting tournaments the
resulting get together with the other parents would also be a killer, "have a beer",
"no its ok thanks",
"you were throwing them back last time, go on have a beer", and so on.
The thing was that I was doing it for the wrong reasons and it would only be a
matter of time before falling headfirst off the proverbial wagon.


The human body does take an incredible amount of abuse but the cracks started
to appear early in my life.
During my late thirties I had a medical and my Doctor told me my liver was
"throwing off enzymes" basically that meant all was not well with my liver.
He gave me some numbers to compare results of a normal liver to that of my own
and the difference was staggering.
I didnt admit to drinking anywhere near what I actually did so he put it down to
alcohol and tylenol as tylenol is not a livers best friend either but it sure helps with
the hangover headache.
To combat this he asked if I could abstain from alcohol for two weeks and return
for further testing to see if there were any improvements which would indicate I
did not have permanent damage.
I actually had no problem with this (good reason to abstain) and went a total of 2
½ months with 3 tests taken.
Fortunately my liver returned to normal and the Doctors advice was to "drink less
often and drink less".
No problem Doc, yeah right, a couple of months later and .....yep you guessed it,
back to normal.
Then a year or so later another nasty surprise happened when I applied for
mortgage insurance and had to pay way more in premiums than my wife because
of a condition which they had me talk to my Doctor about, namely, the liver again.
I went through the same procedure as before but didnt see it all the way through.
Then as a self employed worker I applied for disability insurance and was turned
down flat, for the same reason. The problem there is that you are always asked by
other insurance companies if you have ever been refused a policy and why.
This now became somewhat shameful and embarrassing. If I had an accident
and couldnt work I would not be able to feed my family because of my drinking,
nice one dad.
I had been having shaking of the hands for years but this would go away
whenever I backed off from the bottle. At times I could barely write because of the
shaking but more embarrassing was trying to lift a forkful of food to my mouth
without it dropping off, it looks so obvious so you become self conscious which
makes it worse.
The same would happen when lifting a drink to my lips at the table, the shaking
would get worse and worse the closer the cup or glass got to my mouth.
I would try to hide it but my wife is no ones fool.
I remembered once seeing an old boozer lifting a pint to his lips and him having
to support the base of the glass to stop it shaking. Of course, after that first pint
the shakes would cease and he was back to using one hand. I was almost there,
actually to tell the truth I was there.
I was at the point on weekends where I would be having nips here and there
through the day, even before going out shopping or any trip. My wife would utter
those dreaded words "have you been drinking?", dreaded because of the
sadness I could see in her eyes.
In my early forties she backed off by not having rows over it, but worse, she would
just tell me how scared she was of me dying young and being left alone.
I told her I knew I had to stop and somehow would in the future although I had no
idea how.
In my early forties I noticed a dramatic memory loss and this really got to me.
I would only have to have a couple of drinks for this to happen. A friend would
call and I would be chatting for ages on the phone. My wife would ask me the
following day about the call, like how are they or whatever and I would not have
a clue what she was talking about.
Once she reminded me it would pop back in my head but if she didnt remind me
then most of the previous evening was lost. That really did concern me.
In my late thirties I had to go to the eye specialist because of a blurry spot close
to my retina. After a barrage of eye tests it turned out that I have a burst blood
vessel which causes the blurring.
This causes me to see a bump on any straight line or almost a circle if two lines
are close together, sort of like looking through a raindrop.
Obviously this makes reading a little harder and I now often mix up certain letters
and numbers. Currently they cant repair it with lasers as it is too close to the
When I asked what could be the cause no one knew. Only one nurse had any sort
of answer and that was they found mostly alpha type males seemed to be
She also said not to hold my head down too much, such as putting on shoes and
to look upward when doing that.
I now have my own opinion and this is the very first time I have mentioned it apart
from to my wife.
I would throw up most mornings sometimes even before the toothbrush entered
my mouth. Often I would do this even if nothing came up, I would dry heave, it
was like a bodily ritual over which I had no say or control.
I would also often do the same during dinner as I mentioned earlier therefore I
was putting an incredible strain on my eyeballs.
When I had finished heaving I would look in the mirror at the sorry state of myself
and my eyes would be completely bloodshot. Holding back my head and looking
at the ceiling for a minute would help most of the blood drain out again.
I believe the constant heaving was the cause of my eye problem.
Why oh why would I do this to myself, to my wife, to my family, I am not below
average intelligence, I am not stupid and I know where it ultimately ends, but why.
I would not go to my Doctor about it because I didnt want to be on record for it.
I hunted for answers on the internet, I was hoping against hope that they would
find a gene that was flawed and could be normalised with a pill or something.
Anything to stop the overindulgences I had no control over.
I even called a hypnosis company that specialized in dietary habits and quitting
smoking but they had never attempted to help someone with a drinking problem
and I didnt want to be a guinea pig.
The thought of being hypnotically regressed only to find out I am Jack the Ripper
re-incarnated would be more liable to increase my drinking!
I just wanted the craving to go away but it wouldnt. As I said before, I have quit
several times but the overwhelming craving kept coming back and I knew that
I could never, ever be a normal social drinker.
I was not going to even try and pretend that one. No for me it would always be
all or nothing. The problem being that I could not imagine a life without alcohol.
The buzz I felt and the mood it put me in was so good, the pressures of life lifting
away from your head (what pressure?). How could I give this up and be genuinely
happy around people.
How could I live the rest of my days knowing I could never feel that way again,
what misery, what a living purgatory that would be and I dont want to be a misery
to those around me, Im a fun guy.
This is how my thinking used to be;
-situation - - emotion
- - the weekend is coming - - yeeha drink time
- - going out for dinner - - ditto
- - pop round to see a friend - - ditto
- - friend pops round - - ditto
- - anyone comes to house - - yeeha drink time (for me)
- - go to anyones house - - hopefully drink time
- - going camping - - yeeha drink time
- - shopping at mall (with bar) - - hopefully drink time
- - at an airport - - yeeha drink time (any hours)
- - on the plane - - ditto

We can all laugh and joke about these and I still do in conversation because its
supposed to be a humorous exaggeration, but in my case that was really the truth.
Notice not once did I mention being with the wife, being with the kids, seeing my
Now dont get me wrong I did do all these and they are precious to me but the very
first thought that went through my head when thinking about any of the above was
DRINK TIME and that is just plain WRONG and I did recognize that.
I have asked myself until Im blue in the face why this should be and the pathetic
truth is "just to feel good for a short period of time" because after a short period of
drinking I couldnt tell you anything. The first half hour or really just the first drink
was the big magnet.
Although this was only the case when I had almost dried out.
For me the feeling of that first drink was euphoric, I could feel the alcohol coursing
through my veins. I was never a drug user but from hearing or reading their
experiences it seemed on a par with that.
The next day would be withdrawal and then the alcohol would be more of an
anaesthetic to calm my shakes and stop the cramps. Then theres the sleepless
nights of withdrawal, the sweats and the terrible apnea.


So far I have given you an idea of what my life was like. It wasnt the very worst
of all possibilities all the time but in varying degrees bad and not so bad all the
I had short periods of not drinking during the week. I went through the "get in
shape" routines and would be much better but I always knew what was around
the corner whether I wanted it or not.
I never lost a job because of drink but did miss a lot of mondays laid up on the
sofa trying to convince my wife that I was really ill instead of nursing another
hangover, coupled with the nervous anxiety that accompanies a boozer at these

Let me now take you through a typical week of how my life was.

Oh friday how we all love you and in my case I know its drink time with no
worries about complaints from my wife. Everyone drinks on friday even if you
have to work on saturday, who cares, friday is for care free drinking.


I wake up on the sofa freezing cold in the basement and am annoyed that my wife
left me there.
Its 7am and Im thirsty, go to the kitchen for a drink of water and see an open
bottle of white wine in the fridge. Take a good guzzle of wine and hope it stays
there, everyone else is still asleep so I check emails.
10 minutes later the tell tale salty taste of the pre-heave percolates in my mouth
and its no use I have to get rid of the wine. The good news is that some of the
alcohol got through and I start to feel a little better.
I make a small omelette as I can always keep these down, these and boiled eggs.
I wash it down with a tea followed by some more wine.
I give my wife an earful when she gets up and she tells me she came for me 3
times but I was passed out and didnt respond so she threw a blanket over me.
The rest of the day was spent trying to do an odd job with a couple of beers to
keep me going.
Truth as always is I cant wait for 5pm so I can start drinking without the scowl of
my wife because its more acceptable at that time.
I havent actually drank much during the day but I have been "topping up" as my
wife calls it.
The problem with topping up is the liver gets no rest at all, no time to recover
which for me personally with my liver is extra bad. Im also never really sober and
she could always tell even if I thought I was.
Dinner is taking me forever to try to get down, Im chewing the same piece of food
over and over waiting for the courage to swallow it, because I dont know if it will
stay down and if not then how much time will I have to get to the bathroom.
Half way through dinner and thats it, make an excuse and go to the bathroom to
bring it back up.
Look at my eyes again, help me, please help me, what am I doing to myself and
my family, someone, somewhere please help me.
I look up to the ceiling to drain my bloodshot eyes then blow my nose which can
be heard in the kitchen and an excuse I can use for my eye colour.
The strange thing is I sit back down and Im now hungry, I finish the other half of
my dinner in no time. Its always like this.
Remainder of evening watch tv and drink.


Same as saturday but took dog for walk at 6am. Woke up due to craving so
guzzled a bottle of home made cider and took one with me. Felt great as alcohol
surged through my body ridding me of the craving, then the crash hit and by
7.30am I am on the sofa out cold until lunch.
Small nips of alcohol through the day keep me topped up so still
no rest for embattled liver.
Drank less in the evening and stopped earlier as got to work tomorrow.


Woke up a few times before the alarm clock feeling nervous anxiety for absolutely
no reason. This manifests itself into a major dry heave before brushing my teeth.
The electric toothbrush and the running water should create enough cover noise
to mask my heaving from my wife.
Again I look in the mirror, I always look in the mirror afterwards, maybe to punish
myself. I am starving hungry but could not possibly eat a thing, I want to be sick
but Im all sicked out, even with fingers inserted down my throat.
My red eyes look like something from a horror movie, the mucus pouring over my
lips and down my chin from my nose completes the picture of a complete and
utter loser that has no right to have such a wonderful wife and children.
Please, someone can you help me.
Yes today I will go to work, but only just.
Other days when I have laid up on the sofa the anxiety works the mind so that I
get angry about my job, almost to the point of wanting to threaten to quit. This for
a job I enjoyed up until the previous friday. Thats what withdrawal anxiety can do
to you.
I struggle through the morning at work with awful stomach cramps because I am
starving hungry but I cant find the courage to put food to my lips.
I know this feeling well and I despise it.
Its no use, I will hang in there until lunch and get to a bar for a smirnoff ice or
something similar that wont smell too much on my breath.
I do this and feel better, this will get me through the day even though I still havent
At home I go through the dinner routine again, my wife can see I am struggling, I
just see her sadness, please help me.
In the weekly attempt to wean off my condition I simply must have at least one
drink usually two.
I have tried going cold turkey on mondays but I feel like Popeye Doyle in The
French Connection, this just means getting no sleep and I have work tomorrow.
Nevertheless my body feels cheated and even with sleeping pills I take what
seems to be hours to get to sleep.
I am experiencing sleep apnea which in my case means I actually stop breathing
as soon as I drop off to sleep. Its as if my body doesnt know how to breathe
unless I am awake to tell it.
This results in my waking every few minutes as you do from a dream where you
are falling. I just cant get past the drop off stage of sleep. I have tried different
sleeping positions and breathing techniques to no avail.
I eventually get past the apnea and doze off but I wake up three hours later
absolutely soaking wet from sweat.
After using the bathroom I have to change into dry nightwear.


Woke up feeling less anxiety but started heaving as I brushed my teeth.
Stuck on the toilet for a while as I now have the runs.
I do have a cup of tea and a boiled egg with a piece of toast and feel a lot
better than yesterday.
I eat a little at work and dont need the bar at lunch.
I eat my dinner at home and have two drinks to keep things at bay.
Sleep is better, there is less apnea but I wake up twice sweating, although
not enough to warrant a change of clothing.


I wake up feeling almost human again after a fairly good night of sleep.
No apnea and just a little sweating and no anxiety.
My feeling now is to keep things this way, its time to get this drink thing under
control, Im the boss, Im going to call the shots about drinking.
I think this to myself as I am dry heaving while brushing my teeth and I really
do mean it.
The last thing I can think of now is alcohol, thats good, thats a good sign.
But its only morning and in the afternoon talk is of whos doing what at the
weekend, I feel the urge and desire taking over me again and I am thinking
about relaxing at the weekend with a drink. The urge is so strong, so powerful
who would even want to deny it, just go with it and enjoy it.
Have a couple of glasses of wine with dinner, actually I pour one before dinner
take a big slurp of it and top it back up.
Then when I refill my glass during dinner I take a big slurp then top up again.
I probably actually have five glasses of wine but because Ive had a short break
from heavy drinking I wake up next day feeling slightly buzzed and Im not


I eat fairly normally all day and Im looking forward to getting home for a good few
drinks because I have convinced myself that the weekend sort of starts thursday
I go to bed feeling no pain and sleep right through the night.


The hangover requires painkillers and water but its all going to be ok today
because today is friday!
I eat quite well today and finish my dinner no problem, good job because
tomorrow the vicious circle starts all over again.
That pretty well sums up how I used to live my life and believe me that was week
after week after week.


December 2006 I learn that my father, a very heavy drinker who also couldnt
believe how well his body stood up to the alcoholic punishment, was in hospital.
He was found passed out on the floor with a distended (bloated) stomach caused
by toxin build up due to liver malfunction.
The hospital staff were draining off the toxins with a tube going through his skin
into the stomach. He was not properly conscious for days and we were told that
he would be in great pain as the toxins flowed through his body. But they could
not give him any painkillers or anything, as that could have finished his liver off.
When he came around he was a ghost of his previous self and the prognosis was
pretty much a slow and painful death which could take months or longer.
They really dont have much sympathy for you in this situation I suppose because
it is self inflicted.
What we learned is that he hadnt eaten for a couple of weeks before hand (same
problem as me) and the liver needs protein. When alcohol is all that is being
consumed the liver feeds off it and its all downhill from there. The liver develops
fatty deposits and scarring and cannot function properly.
The toxins can do a number of things including causing stroke and brain damage.


So the big question is how did I shake off the shackles of alcohol. To be honest I
cant answer that exactly or specifically which is why I never intended to write this
What I will tell you is what I did and what happened to me.
I had tried everything from quitting to controlled drinking and admitted to my wife
that I could never be a two drink social butterfly. Looking at the desperate state of
myself in the mirror after heaving for the umpteenth time I simply begged anything
or anyone for help.
I started asking for help more and more. I would pray and pray for help.
But I knew the help could never come externally in the shape of counsellors or
groups, it had to come internally, from within. A few of us will never respond to
the external help as vital and as great a job they do.
Now I want to make this crystal clear.
I am not a born again anything, I am not trying to indoctrinate anyone into
I am not religious in the sense of the word and I do not want anyone to use this
book for any other reason than to let a person with a problem read it in peace.
Personally I was raised catholic so we prayed to God, Jesus Christ and Mary.
I could not stand the church and the hipocracy I experienced but I always felt
there was something bigger than us.
I also now believe that the energies that are around us are intertwined with
everything even our thoughts and that energies from loved ones that are not with
us any longer are there to help us but only if we ask for it.
I do not want to go off on a tangent about religion, metaphysics, quantum theory
etc etc but I think it may be necessary to give a small explanation of how and to
whom I would pray for help. Even if it is simply to prove I am not pushing any one
thing which I am not.
This is the reason why I had no intention of writing this. I pray or ask for help once
or twice per week and always start with a big thankyou for helping me with my
drink problem.
I also always ask how I can help others because as I have said to my wife
numerous times "how can I help others, I have nothing tangible to offer as a
“Who is going to believe me?”
Yesterday morning I lay awake in bed with my mind racing with the idea of just
sitting down and blurting this all out. This was the answer to my question, "how do
I help".
I believe the same source of my help was now letting me know it is time to help
I wrote most of this in one day with hardly any edits, it comes straight from my
head, heart and soul.
In my case I prayed to anyone and everyone for help, this started with my
baptized religion then I would visualize those I loved and cherished but have since
departed, hopefully they are among my guardian angels.
I suggest you pray to whoever your God is and also any departed loved ones and
ask for help.
I end my asking with a couple of catholic prayers also.
Like any common sense person I do not know if any God exists but I do believe in
energies and maybe they are one and the same. If we learn one day that there
isnt actually a God per se but by praying we help ourselves by asking for help
then thats good enough for me.
I am inclined to believe that collective praying, lets say for a dying person to
recover, is also a channelling of positive energy to that person, I see nothing
wrong with that.


Now we have got that out of the way I can tell you the last and best part of my
story to date.
So after probably a year of gradually praying more and more for help which I knew
I so desperately needed, something which I cannot explain happened. It was all
very, very simple and unexpected.
New years eve after a great steak meal and a few drinks my wife and I had seen
in the new year back at the hotel and were having some more wine in our room.
I had absolutely zero plans at that time to quit drinking, especially not as a
resolution either as I do not believe in new year resolutions at all.
In the back of my mind then I thought I would try quitting later in the year, maybe.
So my wife got up to pour herself another wine and I asked her to pour me one.
She asked if I really needed another drink and that was it!!
Even through my half drunkenness I told my wife I would not drink anymore. I did
not plan this, I had no idea where this came from but I knew I was done with it.
The next morning my wife asked if I remembered what I had said and I did and
that was that.
I simply knew it was over, the monkey was off my back, the shackles of alcohol
were released. I had zero cravings and looked forward to the weekends without a
thought about drinking. Its unbelievable, I never in the life of me thought I could
live this way.
No alcohol and happy as ever.
I don’t know where this came from but I do know it did not come from me, well not
directly anyway. Something happened out of my sphere of control that flipped a
switch in my head and turned off my cravings.
I don’t particularly care where this miracle came from but my money is on my
asking for help.
I can sit in a pub or at home surrounded by people drinking and Im happy for them
as long as they can control it. Being around alcohol does not bother me in the
I also cannot take any credit because I dont need willpower, it just is!
Theres nothing more to say, so now do you see my point, how can I tell people
this and how can it help?
Well I had no choice because the same “power that be” has me typing these
words to you.
I can only reason that Im writing this because it will help someone, maybe you.
If you are in need of help then ask. Call upon your God, your departed ones or
whoever or whatever is dear to you. Summon the good energies which you are
already a part of, your thoughts lie with them.
Ask for help with any of your wishes but remember to ask how to give back for
what comes around, goes around.
Try and help those around you and you will help yourself. If you want more then
give more.
Lead by example not revenge, two wrongs make two wrongs.
Phew thats starting to sound deep! well those are principles I try to stick to but fail
often. If we all could try then what a world this would be.

All I can say is I hope this helps,
Good luck and best wishes,

Al Freeman

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